"We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up. " ~~ Phyllis Diller
"Golf is more fun than walking naked in a strange place, but not much. " ~~ Buddy Hackett
"I never think of the future – it comes soon enough. " ~~ Albert Einstein
"Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going. " ~~ Phyllis Diller
"Assumptions are the termites of relationships." ~~ Henry Winkler
"I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book. " ~~ Groucho Marx
"Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance? " ~~ Phyllis Diller
"Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies. " ~~ Milton Berle
"Tax reform is taking the taxes off things that have been taxed in the past and putting taxes on things that haven’t been taxed before. " ~~ Art Buchwald
"There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full. " ~~ Henry Kissinger
"A good man doesn’t just happen. They have to be created by us women. A guy is a lump like a doughnut." ~~ Roseanne Barr
"If you want to give God a good laugh, tell Him your plans." ~~ Yiddish Proverb
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