"My grandfather always said, ‘Don’t watch your money; watch your health.’ So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather. " ~~ Jackie Mason
"I was so self-conscious, every time football players went into a huddle, I thought they were talking about me." ~~ Jackie Mason
"It is more profitable for your Congressman to support the tobacco industry than your life. " ~~ Jackie Mason
"Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money. " ~~ Jackie Mason
"It’s no longer a question of staying healthy. It’s a question of finding a sickness you like. " ~~ Jackie Mason
"I talk to myself because I like dealing with a better class of people. " ~~ Jackie Mason
"Did you ever hear of a kid playing accountant — even if they wanted to be one?" ~~ Jackie Mason