"Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance? " ~~ Phyllis Diller
"You’ve got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I’ll bet he was glad to get rid of it. " ~~ Groucho Marx
"I”ve had great success being a total idiot. " ~~ Jerry Lewis
"You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone." ~~ Phyllis Diller
"Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies. " ~~ Milton Berle
"Laughter is an instant vacation. " ~~ Milton Berle
"A man likes his wife to be just clever enough to comprehend his cleverness, and just stupid enough to admire it." ~~ Israel Zangwill
"Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT”S relativity. " ~~ Albert Einstein
"A curse? You should have a lot of money, but you should be the only one in your family with it." ~~ Ernst Lubitsch
"I just got wonderful news from my real estate agent in Florida. They found land on my property. " ~~ Milton Berle
"Success didn’t spoil me, I’ve always been insufferable. " ~~ Fran Lebowitz
"Surrounding yourself with dwarfs does not make you a giant." ~~ Yiddish Proverb