"If opportunity doesn’t knock, build a door. " ~~ Milton Berle
"I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o clock. " ~~ Henny Youngman
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. " ~~ Henry Youngman
"Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV." ~~ Jerry Seinfeld
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies. " ~~ Groucho Marx
"University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small. " ~~ Henry Kissinger
"It is more profitable for your Congressman to support the tobacco industry than your life. " ~~ Jackie Mason
"If I could drop dead right now, I”d be the happiest man alive. " ~~ Samuel Goldwyn
"Surrounding yourself with dwarfs does not make you a giant." ~~ Yiddish Proverb
"If God lived on earth, people would break his windows." ~~ Traditional Proverb
"You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone." ~~ Phyllis Diller
"I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying. " ~~ Woody Allen
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