"Humor is just another defense against the universe. " ~~ Mel Brooks
"I don’t think anyone should write their autobiography until after they’re dead. " ~~ Samuel Goldwyn
"Did you ever hear of a kid playing accountant — even if they wanted to be one?" ~~ Jackie Mason
"Don’t carry a grudge. While you’re carrying the grudge the other guy’s out dancing. " ~~ Buddy Hackett
"You can lead a man to Congress, but you can’t make him think." ~~ Milton Berle
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies. " ~~ Groucho Marx
"Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance? " ~~ Phyllis Diller
"You’ve got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I’ll bet he was glad to get rid of it. " ~~ Groucho Marx
"I”ve had great success being a total idiot. " ~~ Jerry Lewis
"You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone." ~~ Phyllis Diller
"Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies. " ~~ Milton Berle
"Laughter is an instant vacation. " ~~ Milton Berle