"If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. " ~~ Henry Youngman
"He who limps is still walking. " ~~ Joan Rivers
"Your responsibility as a parent is not as great as you might imagine. You need not supply the world with the next conqueror of disease or major motion picture star. If your child simply grows up to be someone who does not use the word “collectible” as a noun, you can consider yourself an unqualified success. " ~~ Fran Lebowitz
"I was so self-conscious, every time football players went into a huddle, I thought they were talking about me." ~~ Jackie Mason
"He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don’t let that fool you. He really is an idiot. " ~~ Groucho Marx
"Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air. " ~~ Jack Benny
"To you I’m an atheist; to God, I’m the Loyal Opposition. " ~~ Woody Allen
"What do you call the grandchildren of intermarried Jews? Christians." ~~ Milton Himmelfarb
"The meaning of life is that it stops." ~~ Franz Kafka
"You’ve got to take the bitter with the sour. " ~~ Samuel Goldwyn
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. " ~~ Henry Youngman
"One thing about being successful is that I stopped being afraid of dying. Once you’re a star you’re dead already. You’re embalmed." ~~ Dustin Hoffman