"I talk to myself because I like dealing with a better class of people. " ~~ Jackie Mason
"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. " ~~ George Burns
"Bridge is a game that separates the men from the boys. It also separates husbands and wives. " ~~ George Burns
"As a teenager you are at the last stage in your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you. " ~~ Fran Lebowitz
"Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness. " ~~ Woody Allen
"Worries go down better with soup than without." ~~ Traditional Proverb
"The nice thing about being a celebrity is that when you bore people, they think it’s their fault. " ~~ Henry Kissinger
"Marriage is the chief cause of divorce." ~~ Groucho Marx
"When you are eight years old, nothing is any of your business. " ~~ Lenny Bruce
"Humor is just another defense against the universe. " ~~ Mel Brooks
"I don’t think anyone should write their autobiography until after they’re dead. " ~~ Samuel Goldwyn
"Did you ever hear of a kid playing accountant — even if they wanted to be one?" ~~ Jackie Mason