"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. " ~~ George Burns
"Chemistry can be a good and bad thing. Chemistry is good when you make love with it. Chemistry is bad when you make crack with it." ~~ Adam Sandler
"The only difference between the Democrats and the Republicans is that the Democrats allow the poor to be corrupt, too. " ~~ Oscar Levant
"My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn’t need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle. " ~~ Henry Youngman
"The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer them a drink. " ~~ Fran Lebowitz
"Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions. Conservatives feel they deserve everything they’ve stolen." ~~ Mort Sahl
"I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception. " ~~ Groucho Marx
"Assumptions are the termites of relationships." ~~ Henry Winkler
"Success to me is having ten honeydew melons, and eating only the top half of each one." ~~ Barbra Streisand
"Sports is the toy department of human life. " ~~ Howard Cosell
"The whole object of comedy is to be yourself and the closer you get to that, the funnier you will be." ~~ Jerry Seinfeld
"I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book. " ~~ Groucho Marx
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