"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. " ~~ Groucho Marx
"The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open. " ~~ Groucho Marx
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies. " ~~ Groucho Marx
"I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception. " ~~ Groucho Marx
"I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book. " ~~ Groucho Marx
"Marriage is the chief cause of divorce." ~~ Groucho Marx
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot." ~~ Groucho Marx
"A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five. " ~~ Groucho Marx
"Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read." ~~ Groucho Marx
"Those are my principles. If you don’t like them I have others." ~~ Groucho Marx
"There is only one way to find out if a man is honest—ask him. If he says “yes,” you know he’s crooked." ~~ Groucho Marx
"I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member. " ~~ Groucho Marx