"You must realize that honorary degrees are given generally to people whose SAT scores were too low to get them into schools the regular way. As a matter of fact, it was my SAT scores that led me into my present vocation in life, comedy. " ~~ Neil Simon
"A politician is someone who will double-cross that bridge when he comes to it." ~~ Oscar Levant
"People with honorary awards are looked upon with disfavor. Would you let an honorary mechanic fix your brand-new Mercedes? " ~~ Neil Simon
"I envy people who drink. At least they have something to blame everything on. " ~~ Oscar Levant
"We owe a lot to Thomas Edison — if it wasn’t for him, we”d be watching television by candlelight. " ~~ Milton Berle
"I don’t deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don’t deserve that either. " ~~ Jack Benny
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. " ~~ Groucho Marx
"Worries go down better with soup than without." ~~ Traditional Proverb
"Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he’s buying. " ~~ Fran Lebowitz
"Underneath this flabby exterior is an enormous lack of character. " ~~ Oscar Levant
"The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open. " ~~ Groucho Marx
"Children ask better questions than adults. “May I have a cookie?” “Why is the sky blue?” and “What does a cow say?” are far more likely to elicit a cheerful response than “Where’s your manuscript?” Why haven’t you called?” and “Who’s your lawyer?” " ~~ Fran Lebowitz
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