"You must realize that honorary degrees are given generally to people whose SAT scores were too low to get them into schools the regular way. As a matter of fact, it was my SAT scores that led me into my present vocation in life, comedy. " ~~ Neil Simon
"People with honorary awards are looked upon with disfavor. Would you let an honorary mechanic fix your brand-new Mercedes? " ~~ Neil Simon
"I envy people who drink. At least they have something to blame everything on. " ~~ Oscar Levant
"We owe a lot to Thomas Edison — if it wasn’t for him, we”d be watching television by candlelight. " ~~ Milton Berle
"I don’t deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don’t deserve that either. " ~~ Jack Benny
"Worries go down better with soup than without." ~~ Traditional Proverb
"Underneath this flabby exterior is an enormous lack of character. " ~~ Oscar Levant
"The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open. " ~~ Groucho Marx
"When I told my doctor I couldn’t afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays. " ~~ Henry Youngman
"Writing a book is not as tough as it is to haul thirty-five people around the country and sweat like a horse five nights a week." ~~ Bette Midler
"Communism is like one big phone company. " ~~ Lenny Bruce
"All our final decisions are made in a state of mind that is not going to last. " ~~ Marcel Proust
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