"I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book. " ~~ Groucho Marx
"Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance? " ~~ Phyllis Diller
"Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies. " ~~ Milton Berle
"There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full. " ~~ Henry Kissinger
"If you want to give God a good laugh, tell Him your plans." ~~ Yiddish Proverb
"Television is a medium because it is neither rare nor well done. " ~~ Ernie Kovacs
"Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money. " ~~ Jackie Mason
"Educational television should be absolutely forbidden. It can only lead to unreasonable disappointment when your child discovers that the letters of the alphabet do not leap up out of books and dance around with royal-blue chickens. " ~~ Fran Lebowitz
"I’m Jewish. I don’t work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor. " ~~ Joan Rivers
"Too many of us look upon Americans as dollar chasers. This is a cruel libel, even if it is reiterated thoughtlessly by the Americans themselves. " ~~ Albert Einstein
"To you I’m an atheist; to God, I’m the Loyal Opposition. " ~~ Woody Allen
"Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined. " ~~ Samuel Goldwyn
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