"Food is an important part of a balanced diet. " ~~ Fran Lebowitz
"It is impossible to experience one’s death objectively and still carry a tune." ~~ Woody Allen
"How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put ‘page 2.’" ~~ Henny Youngman
"If at first you don’t succeed… So much for skydiving. " ~~ Henry Youngman
"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former. " ~~ Albert Einstein
"My grandfather always said, ‘Don’t watch your money; watch your health.’ So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather. " ~~ Jackie Mason
"If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn’t ask me, I”d still have to say it. " ~~ George Burns
"You must realize that honorary degrees are given generally to people whose SAT scores were too low to get them into schools the regular way. As a matter of fact, it was my SAT scores that led me into my present vocation in life, comedy. " ~~ Neil Simon
"A politician is someone who will double-cross that bridge when he comes to it." ~~ Oscar Levant
"When someone does something good, applaud! You will make two people happy. " ~~ Samuel Goldwyn
"People with honorary awards are looked upon with disfavor. Would you let an honorary mechanic fix your brand-new Mercedes? " ~~ Neil Simon
"I envy people who drink. At least they have something to blame everything on. " ~~ Oscar Levant
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