"Why does a woman work ten years to change a man’s habits and then complain that he’s not the man she married? " ~~ Barbra Streisand
"Humor is just another defense against the universe. " ~~ Mel Brooks
"I take my wife everywhere I go. She always finds her way back." ~~ Henny Youngman
"Middle age is when a man is warned to slow down by a doctor instead of a policeman." ~~ Sidney Brody
"Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. " ~~ Groucho Marx
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot." ~~ Groucho Marx
"I had a monumental idea this morning, but I didn’t like it. " ~~ Samuel Goldwyn
"The only reason for time is so that everything doesn’t happen at once. " ~~ Albert Einstein
"What we anticipate seldom occurs; what we least expected generally happens. " ~~ Benjamin Disraeli
"The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy. " ~~ Sam Levenson
"One thing about being successful is that I stopped being afraid of dying. Once you’re a star you’re dead already. You’re embalmed." ~~ Dustin Hoffman
"If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith. " ~~ Albert Einstein
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