"People think all I have to do is stand up and tell a few jokes.Well, that’s not as easy as it looks. Every year it gets to be more of an effort to stand up. " ~~ George Burns
"Talking from morning to night about sex has helped my skiing, because I talk about movement, about looking good, about taking risks." ~~ Ruth Westheimer
"As life’s pleasures go, food is second only to sex. Except for salami and eggs. Now that’s better than sex, but only if the salami is thickly sliced. " ~~ Alan King
"Why does a woman work ten years to change a man’s habits and then complain that he’s not the man she married? " ~~ Barbra Streisand
"Humor is just another defense against the universe. " ~~ Mel Brooks
"I take my wife everywhere I go. She always finds her way back." ~~ Henny Youngman
"Middle age is when a man is warned to slow down by a doctor instead of a policeman." ~~ Sidney Brody
"Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. " ~~ Groucho Marx
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot." ~~ Groucho Marx
"I had a monumental idea this morning, but I didn’t like it. " ~~ Samuel Goldwyn
"The only reason for time is so that everything doesn’t happen at once. " ~~ Albert Einstein
"What we anticipate seldom occurs; what we least expected generally happens. " ~~ Benjamin Disraeli
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