"I figure you have the same chance of winning the lottery whether you play or not. " ~~ Fran Lebowitz
"Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples. " ~~ George Burns
"Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought — particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things. " ~~ Woody Allen
"When I die, if the word ‘thong’ appears in the first or second sentence of my obituary, I’ve screwed up." ~~ Albert Brooks
"Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. " ~~ Woody Allen
"No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation. " ~~ Fran Lebowitz
"I don’t think anyone should write their autobiography until after they’re dead. " ~~ Samuel Goldwyn
"Spare no expense to save money on this one. " ~~ Samuel Goldwyn
"There is only one way to find out if a man is honest—ask him. If he says “yes,” you know he’s crooked." ~~ Groucho Marx
"There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line. " ~~ Oscar Levant
"We seem to be going through a period of nostalgia, and everyone seems to think yesterday was better than today. I don’t think it was, and I would advise you not to wait ten years before admitting today was great. If you’re hung up on nostalgia, pretend today is yesterday and just go out and have one hell of a time. " ~~ Art Buchwald
"I”ve had great success being a total idiot. " ~~ Jerry Lewis
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