"It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper. " ~~ Jerry Seinfeld
"The whole object of comedy is to be yourself and the closer you get to that, the funnier you will be." ~~ Jerry Seinfeld
"For every woman who makes a fool out of a man, there is another woman who makes a man out of a fool." ~~ Samuel Hoffman
"Cleanliness and order are not matters of instinct; they are matters of education, and like most great things, you must cultivate a taste for them. " ~~ Benjamin Disraeli
"The opposite of talking isn’t listening. The opposite of talking is waiting. " ~~ Fran Lebowitz
"I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn’t itch. " ~~ Gilda Radner
"What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet. " ~~ Woody Allen
"The meaning of life is that it stops." ~~ Franz Kafka
"Your life story would not make a good book. Don’t even try. " ~~ Fran Lebowitz
"Everybody likes a kidder but nobody loans him money. " ~~ Arthur Miller
"Sports is the toy department of human life. " ~~ Howard Cosell
"I’m astounded by people who want to ‘know’ the universe when it’s hard enough to find your way around Chinatown. " ~~ Woody Allen
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