"I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying. " ~~ Woody Allen
"No man can consider himself truly married until he understands every word his wife is not saying." ~~ Lord Mancroft
"By the time you’re eighty years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it. " ~~ George Burns
"I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception. " ~~ Groucho Marx
"Why are our days numbered and not, say lettered? " ~~ Woody Allen
"Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions. Conservatives feel they deserve everything they’ve stolen." ~~ Mort Sahl
"Opportunities are usually disguised as hard work, so most people don’t recognize them. " ~~ Ann Landers
"I never put on a pair of shoes until I’ve worn them at least five years. " ~~ Samuel Goldwyn
"Life is just a bowl of pits. " ~~ Rodney Dangerfield
"People think all I have to do is stand up and tell a few jokes.Well, that’s not as easy as it looks. Every year it gets to be more of an effort to stand up. " ~~ George Burns
"Talking from morning to night about sex has helped my skiing, because I talk about movement, about looking good, about taking risks." ~~ Ruth Westheimer
"As life’s pleasures go, food is second only to sex. Except for salami and eggs. Now that’s better than sex, but only if the salami is thickly sliced. " ~~ Alan King
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