"You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone." ~~ Phyllis Diller
"I just got wonderful news from my real estate agent in Florida. They found land on my property. " ~~ Milton Berle
"Bridge is a game that separates the men from the boys. It also separates husbands and wives. " ~~ George Burns
"If I could drop dead right now, I”d be the happiest man alive. " ~~ Samuel Goldwyn
"My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn’t need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle. " ~~ Henry Youngman
"Reading, after a certain age, diverts the mind too much from its creative pursuits. Any man who reads too much and uses his own brain too little falls into lazy habits of thinking. " ~~ Albert Einstein
"Life is a great big canvas; throw all the paint you can at it. " ~~ Danny Kaye
"The most aggravating thing about the younger generation is that I no longer belong to it. " ~~ Albert Einstein
"Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV." ~~ Jerry Seinfeld
"As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it. " ~~ Buddy Hackett
"Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness. " ~~ Woody Allen
"I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member. " ~~ Groucho Marx
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