"Nobody ever drowned in his own sweat." ~~ Ann Landers
"I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people." ~~ Rodney Dangerfield
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books. " ~~ Alan King
"As long as the world is turning and spinning, we’re gonna be dizzy and we’re gonna make mistakes. " ~~ Mel Brooks
"The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer them a drink. " ~~ Fran Lebowitz
"The only difference between the Democrats and the Republicans is that the Democrats allow the poor to be corrupt, too. " ~~ Oscar Levant
"My mother loved children — she would have given anything if I had been one. " ~~ Groucho Marx
"Eat a third and drink a third and leave the remaining third of your stomach empty. Then, when you get angry, there will be sufficient room for your rage. " ~~ Talmud, Gittin
"When you are eight years old, nothing is any of your business. " ~~ Lenny Bruce
"I never took hallucinogenic drugs because I never wanted my consciousness expanded one unnecessary iota. " ~~ Fran Lebowitz
"From birth to age 18, a girl needs good parents, from 18 to 35 she needs good looks, from 35 to 55 she needs a good personality, and from 55 on she needs cash." ~~ Sophie Tucker
"Your responsibility as a parent is not as great as you might imagine. You need not supply the world with the next conqueror of disease or major motion picture star. If your child simply grows up to be someone who does not use the word “collectible” as a noun, you can consider yourself an unqualified success. " ~~ Fran Lebowitz
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