"Strip away the phony tinsel of Hollywood and you find the real tinsel underneath. " ~~ Oscar Levant
"I can’t listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland." ~~ Woody Allen
"As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it. " ~~ Buddy Hackett
"I just got wonderful news from my real estate agent in Florida. They found land on my property. " ~~ Milton Berle
"I was so self-conscious, every time football players went into a huddle, I thought they were talking about me." ~~ Jackie Mason
"Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxi cabs and cutting hair. " ~~ George Burns
"I take my wife everywhere I go. She always finds her way back." ~~ Henny Youngman
"Laughter is an instant vacation. " ~~ Milton Berle
"If youth knew; if age could. " ~~ Sigmund Freud
"If opportunity doesn’t knock, build a door. " ~~ Milton Berle
"I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o clock. " ~~ Henny Youngman
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. " ~~ Henry Youngman
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