"I never took hallucinogenic drugs because I never wanted my consciousness expanded one unnecessary iota. " ~~ Fran Lebowitz
"From birth to age 18, a girl needs good parents, from 18 to 35 she needs good looks, from 35 to 55 she needs a good personality, and from 55 on she needs cash." ~~ Sophie Tucker
"Your responsibility as a parent is not as great as you might imagine. You need not supply the world with the next conqueror of disease or major motion picture star. If your child simply grows up to be someone who does not use the word “collectible” as a noun, you can consider yourself an unqualified success. " ~~ Fran Lebowitz
"Not the cardplayer pays the penalty but only the man who knows not how to play, yet does." ~~ Yiddish Proverb
"A man likes his wife to be just clever enough to comprehend his cleverness, and just stupid enough to admire it." ~~ Israel Zangwill
"Chemistry can be a good and bad thing. Chemistry is good when you make love with it. Chemistry is bad when you make crack with it." ~~ Adam Sandler
"Don’t carry a grudge. While you’re carrying the grudge the other guy’s out dancing. " ~~ Buddy Hackett
"It’s better to be known by six people for something you’re proud of than by 60 million for something you’re not." ~~ Albert Brooks
"I wouldn’t say I invented tacky, but I definitely brought it to its present high popularity. " ~~ Bette Midler
"If you are out to describe the truth, leave elegance to the tailor. " ~~ Albert Einstein
"I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them. " ~~ Phyllis Diller
"You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone." ~~ Phyllis Diller
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