"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former. " ~~ Albert Einstein
"My grandfather always said, ‘Don’t watch your money; watch your health.’ So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather. " ~~ Jackie Mason
"If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn’t ask me, I”d still have to say it. " ~~ George Burns
"You must realize that honorary degrees are given generally to people whose SAT scores were too low to get them into schools the regular way. As a matter of fact, it was my SAT scores that led me into my present vocation in life, comedy. " ~~ Neil Simon
"A politician is someone who will double-cross that bridge when he comes to it." ~~ Oscar Levant
"When someone does something good, applaud! You will make two people happy. " ~~ Samuel Goldwyn
"People with honorary awards are looked upon with disfavor. Would you let an honorary mechanic fix your brand-new Mercedes? " ~~ Neil Simon
"I envy people who drink. At least they have something to blame everything on. " ~~ Oscar Levant
"We owe a lot to Thomas Edison — if it wasn’t for him, we”d be watching television by candlelight. " ~~ Milton Berle
"I don’t deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don’t deserve that either. " ~~ Jack Benny
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. " ~~ Groucho Marx
"Worries go down better with soup than without." ~~ Traditional Proverb
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