"I don’t deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don’t deserve that either. " ~~ Jack Benny
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. " ~~ Groucho Marx
"Worries go down better with soup than without." ~~ Traditional Proverb
"Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he’s buying. " ~~ Fran Lebowitz
"Underneath this flabby exterior is an enormous lack of character. " ~~ Oscar Levant
"The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open. " ~~ Groucho Marx
"Children ask better questions than adults. “May I have a cookie?” “Why is the sky blue?” and “What does a cow say?” are far more likely to elicit a cheerful response than “Where’s your manuscript?” Why haven’t you called?” and “Who’s your lawyer?” " ~~ Fran Lebowitz
"When I told my doctor I couldn’t afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays. " ~~ Henry Youngman
"Writing a book is not as tough as it is to haul thirty-five people around the country and sweat like a horse five nights a week." ~~ Bette Midler
"Communism is like one big phone company. " ~~ Lenny Bruce
"All our final decisions are made in a state of mind that is not going to last. " ~~ Marcel Proust
"Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. " ~~ Phyllis Diller
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