"Did you ever hear of a kid playing accountant — even if they wanted to be one?" ~~ Jackie Mason
"Let me tell you the one thing I have against Moses. He took us forty years into the desert in order to bring us to the one place in the Middle East that has no oil! " ~~ Golda Meir
"Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation. " ~~ Henry A. Kissinger
"What do you call the grandchildren of intermarried Jews? Christians." ~~ Milton Himmelfarb
"A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five. " ~~ Groucho Marx
"Time wounds all heels. " ~~ Groucho Marx
"A bad liver is to a Frenchman what a nervous breakdown is to an American. Everyone has had one and everyone wants to talk about it. " ~~ Art Buchwald
"I figure you have the same chance of winning the lottery whether you play or not. " ~~ Fran Lebowitz
"Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples. " ~~ George Burns
"Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought — particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things. " ~~ Woody Allen
"When I die, if the word ‘thong’ appears in the first or second sentence of my obituary, I’ve screwed up." ~~ Albert Brooks
"Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. " ~~ Woody Allen
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