"If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. " ~~ Henry Youngman
"My biggest nightmare is I’m driving home and get sick and go to hospital. I say: ‘Please help me.’ And the people say: ‘Hey, you look like…’ And I’m dying while they’re wondering whether I’m Barbra Streisand. " ~~ Barbra Streisand
"Science is a wonderful thing if one does not have to earn one’s living at it. " ~~ Albert Einstein
"Special-interest publications should realize that if they are attracting enough advertising and readers to make a profit, the interest is not so special. " ~~ Fran Lebowitz
"There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics. " ~~ Benjamin Disraeli
"Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one. " ~~ Albert Einstein
"I talk to myself because I like dealing with a better class of people. " ~~ Jackie Mason
"Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air. " ~~ Jack Benny
"It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper. " ~~ Jerry Seinfeld
"The whole object of comedy is to be yourself and the closer you get to that, the funnier you will be." ~~ Jerry Seinfeld
"For every woman who makes a fool out of a man, there is another woman who makes a man out of a fool." ~~ Samuel Hoffman
"Cleanliness and order are not matters of instinct; they are matters of education, and like most great things, you must cultivate a taste for them. " ~~ Benjamin Disraeli
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