"I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member. " ~~ Groucho Marx
"The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible. " ~~ George Burns
"Strip away the phony tinsel of Hollywood and you find the real tinsel underneath. " ~~ Oscar Levant
"Poverty is not a disgrace, but it’s terribly inconvenient." ~~ Milton Berle
"Look, I don’t want to wax philosophic, but I will say that if you’re alive you’ve got to flap your arms and legs, you’ve got to jump around a lot, for life is the very opposite of death, and therefore you must at very least think noisy and colorfully, or you’re not alive. " ~~ Mel Brooks
"I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying. " ~~ Woody Allen
"No man can consider himself truly married until he understands every word his wife is not saying." ~~ Lord Mancroft
"By the time you’re eighty years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it. " ~~ George Burns
"I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception. " ~~ Groucho Marx
"Why are our days numbered and not, say lettered? " ~~ Woody Allen
"Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions. Conservatives feel they deserve everything they’ve stolen." ~~ Mort Sahl
"Opportunities are usually disguised as hard work, so most people don’t recognize them. " ~~ Ann Landers
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