"You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." ~~ Henny Youngman
"When God sneezed, I didn’t know what to say." ~~ Henny Youngman
"The only reason for time is so that everything doesn’t happen at once. " ~~ Albert Einstein
"Your anger can be 49% and your comedy 51 %, and you’re okay. If the anger is 51%, the comedy is gone." ~~ Joan Rivers
"I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me." ~~ Woody Allen
"The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to choose from." ~~ Andrew S. Tanenbaum
"A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours. " ~~ Milton Berle
"By the time you’re eighty years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it. " ~~ George Burns
"People think all I have to do is stand up and tell a few jokes.Well, that’s not as easy as it looks. Every year it gets to be more of an effort to stand up. " ~~ George Burns
"What we anticipate seldom occurs; what we least expected generally happens. " ~~ Benjamin Disraeli
"Reading, after a certain age, diverts the mind too much from its creative pursuits. Any man who reads too much and uses his own brain too little falls into lazy habits of thinking. " ~~ Albert Einstein
"The hardest thing in the world to understand, is income tax." ~~ Albert Einstein