"My doctor gave me six months to live but when I couldn’t pay his bill gave me six months more. " ~~ Walter Matthau
"Have you ever seen a candidate talking to a rich person on television? " ~~ Art Buchwald
"It’s no longer a question of staying healthy. It’s a question of finding a sickness you like. " ~~ Jackie Mason
"You’ve got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I’ll bet he was glad to get rid of it. " ~~ Groucho Marx
"Humility is no substitute for a good personality. " ~~ Fran Lebowitz
"I must take issue with the term ‘a mere child,’ for it has been my invariable experience that the company of a mere child is infinitely preferable to that of a mere adult. " ~~ Fran Lebowitz
"Those are my principles. If you don’t like them I have others." ~~ Groucho Marx
"I’ve never been an intellectual but I have this look. " ~~ Woody Allen
"Did you ever hear of a kid playing accountant — even if they wanted to be one?" ~~ Jackie Mason
"Let me tell you the one thing I have against Moses. He took us forty years into the desert in order to bring us to the one place in the Middle East that has no oil! " ~~ Golda Meir
"Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation. " ~~ Henry A. Kissinger
"What do you call the grandchildren of intermarried Jews? Christians." ~~ Milton Himmelfarb
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