"A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five. " ~~ Groucho Marx
"Time wounds all heels. " ~~ Groucho Marx
"A bad liver is to a Frenchman what a nervous breakdown is to an American. Everyone has had one and everyone wants to talk about it. " ~~ Art Buchwald
"I figure you have the same chance of winning the lottery whether you play or not. " ~~ Fran Lebowitz
"Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples. " ~~ George Burns
"Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought — particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things. " ~~ Woody Allen
"When I die, if the word ‘thong’ appears in the first or second sentence of my obituary, I’ve screwed up." ~~ Albert Brooks
"Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. " ~~ Woody Allen
"No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation. " ~~ Fran Lebowitz
"I don’t think anyone should write their autobiography until after they’re dead. " ~~ Samuel Goldwyn
"Spare no expense to save money on this one. " ~~ Samuel Goldwyn
"There is only one way to find out if a man is honest—ask him. If he says “yes,” you know he’s crooked." ~~ Groucho Marx
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