"I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking. " ~~ Joan Rivers
"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. " ~~ Albert Einstein
"Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won’t run." ~~ Phyllis Diller
"If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank. " ~~ Woody Allen
"I always wanted to get into politics, but I was never light enough to make the team. " ~~ Art Buchwald
"Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy. " ~~ Groucho Marx
"I have had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it. " ~~ Groucho Marx
"Comedy is very controlling – you are making people laugh. It is there in the phrase ‘making people laugh.’ You feel completely in control when you hear a wave of laughter coming back at you that you have caused. " ~~ Gilda Radner
"Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house, that’s what it means. " ~~ Henry Youngman
"Too many captains will sink a ship." ~~ Talmud
"I don’t want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their jobs. " ~~ Samuel Goldwyn
"As a teenager you are at the last stage in your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you. " ~~ Fran Lebowitz