"When you are eight years old, nothing is any of your business. " ~~ Lenny Bruce
"Your responsibility as a parent is not as great as you might imagine. You need not supply the world with the next conqueror of disease or major motion picture star. If your child simply grows up to be someone who does not use the word “collectible” as a noun, you can consider yourself an unqualified success. " ~~ Fran Lebowitz
"Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. " ~~ Phyllis Diller
"Poverty is not a disgrace, but it’s terribly inconvenient." ~~ Milton Berle
"Television has raised writing to a new low." ~~ Samuel Goldwyn
"Strip away the phony tinsel of Hollywood and you find the real tinsel underneath. " ~~ Oscar Levant
"I can’t listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland." ~~ Woody Allen
"As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it. " ~~ Buddy Hackett
"I just got wonderful news from my real estate agent in Florida. They found land on my property. " ~~ Milton Berle
"I was so self-conscious, every time football players went into a huddle, I thought they were talking about me." ~~ Jackie Mason
"Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxi cabs and cutting hair. " ~~ George Burns
"I take my wife everywhere I go. She always finds her way back." ~~ Henny Youngman
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