"My mother loved children — she would have given anything if I had been one. " ~~ Groucho Marx
"Marriage is not just spiritual communion, it is also remembering to take out the trash. " ~~ Dr. Joyce Brothers
"I love living. I have some problems with my life, but living is the best thing they”ve come up with so far. " ~~ Neil Simon
"The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy. " ~~ Sam Levenson
"What you don’t see with your eyes, don’t invent with your mouth. " ~~ Traditional Proverb
"If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith. " ~~ Albert Einstein
"The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue. " ~~ Oscar Levant
"You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." ~~ Henny Youngman
"When God sneezed, I didn’t know what to say." ~~ Henny Youngman
"The only reason for time is so that everything doesn’t happen at once. " ~~ Albert Einstein
"Your anger can be 49% and your comedy 51 %, and you’re okay. If the anger is 51%, the comedy is gone." ~~ Joan Rivers
"I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me." ~~ Woody Allen