"Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air. " ~~ Jack Benny
"I figure if my kids are alive at the end of the day, I’ve done my job." ~~ Roseanne Barr
"It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper. " ~~ Jerry Seinfeld
"I’m astounded by people who want to ‘know’ the universe when it’s hard enough to find your way around Chinatown. " ~~ Woody Allen
"Even when freshly washed and relieved of all obvious confections, children tend to be sticky. " ~~ Fran Lebowitz
"I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn’t itch. " ~~ Gilda Radner
"Those are my principles. If you don’t like them I have others." ~~ Groucho Marx
"Science is a wonderful thing if one does not have to earn one’s living at it. " ~~ Albert Einstein
"Live well. It is the greatest revenge." ~~ Traditional Proverb
"Ask about your neighbors, then buy the house. " ~~ Traditional Proverb
"Special-interest publications should realize that if they are attracting enough advertising and readers to make a profit, the interest is not so special. " ~~ Fran Lebowitz
"I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard." ~~ Phyllis Diller
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