"Those are my principles. If you don’t like them I have others." ~~ Groucho Marx
"A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five. " ~~ Groucho Marx
"There is only one way to find out if a man is honest—ask him. If he says “yes,” you know he’s crooked." ~~ Groucho Marx
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. " ~~ Groucho Marx
"The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open. " ~~ Groucho Marx
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies. " ~~ Groucho Marx
"I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book. " ~~ Groucho Marx
"Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read." ~~ Groucho Marx
"She got her looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon. " ~~ Groucho Marx