"Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he’s buying. " ~~ Fran Lebowitz
"Great people talk about ideas, average people talk about things, and small people talk about wine. " ~~ Fran Lebowitz
"No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation. " ~~ Fran Lebowitz
"Educational television should be absolutely forbidden. It can only lead to unreasonable disappointment when your child discovers that the letters of the alphabet do not leap up out of books and dance around with royal-blue chickens. " ~~ Fran Lebowitz
"Stand firm in your refusal to remain conscious during algebra. In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra." ~~ Fran Lebowitz
"Success didn’t spoil me, I’ve always been insufferable. " ~~ Fran Lebowitz
"The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer them a drink. " ~~ Fran Lebowitz
"I never took hallucinogenic drugs because I never wanted my consciousness expanded one unnecessary iota. " ~~ Fran Lebowitz
"Your responsibility as a parent is not as great as you might imagine. You need not supply the world with the next conqueror of disease or major motion picture star. If your child simply grows up to be someone who does not use the word “collectible” as a noun, you can consider yourself an unqualified success. " ~~ Fran Lebowitz
"Special-interest publications should realize that if they are attracting enough advertising and readers to make a profit, the interest is not so special. " ~~ Fran Lebowitz
"The opposite of talking isn’t listening. The opposite of talking is waiting. " ~~ Fran Lebowitz
"Your life story would not make a good book. Don’t even try. " ~~ Fran Lebowitz