"I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them. " ~~ Phyllis Diller
"You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone." ~~ Phyllis Diller
"Never go to bed mad – Stay up and fight. " ~~ Phyllis Diller
"Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. " ~~ Phyllis Diller
"We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up. " ~~ Phyllis Diller
"Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going. " ~~ Phyllis Diller
"Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance? " ~~ Phyllis Diller
"I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard." ~~ Phyllis Diller
"Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won’t run." ~~ Phyllis Diller
"A smile is a curve that sets everything straight. " ~~ Phyllis Diller